30
Sep
09

LIARS – a buddy/action comedy spec script (selection)

The following script selection is from my feature spec LIARS: the story of a nebbishy screenwriter and a mercenary botanist who team up to save the world from a dangerous lawn care product!

Proper script formatting would not transfer from Final Draft or Acrobat. You can contact me via my Linked In.

In the following: LESLIE, the screenwriter of the famous “Buddy Cops” films, is writing a scene from his new Buddy Cops script, which involves a guy named Buddy and his partner Bones. As Leslie is writing a scene, he’s interrupted by his wife CARA:

INT./EXT. CAR – DAY
ANGLE ON Buddy – but it’s not Buddy’s voice we hear.

BUDDY (CARA V.O.)
Leslie, can you put on some pants, Jenny
and Tim will be here soon.

Bones reacts with a confused sneer.

END FANTASY SEQUENCE:

REVEAL: Leslie sitting at his computer wearing a shirt, boxers, and socks – no pants. He clicks a few things on the computer, trudges out into the kitchen…

INT. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS
The house is a nice one…

LESLIE
Our whole marriage, Cara, you’ve been telling
me to put on my pants…just once, it should be
okay they’re off.

Cara is compact and attractive…And in a cheerful mood running around, and performing karate moves along the way…

CARA
And just once it will be.

He half-smiles, only slightly amused…

LESLIE
(defeated)
Really, Cara, I–

She interrupts, handing him a thick stalk of celery.

CARA
Here.

He grabs it with one hand.

CARA
No.

She corrects him, having him hold it out horizontally, hands grasping each end.

CARA
Perfect.

She does a fancy spin, lunges and karate-chops the celery – Leslie winces, but the celery’s cut almost perfectly.

LESLIE
Oh jeez!

She grabs the celery and exits. He follows her out.

INT. HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

LESLIE
Did you have to do that? I’m not accustomed to
fists flying in my face…well, not since getting
beaten up at school.
(a beat)
Thank god I got out of teaching.

CARA
Sensei Kirschbaum says we should work on
our form and develop our skill whenever possible.

LESLIE
Develop. Fine. What if you miss?

CARA
Maybe I did miss.

She smiles over her shoulder as she exits.

A beat.

LESLIE
You’re angry about something.

She’s back in the kitchen; he follows.

INT. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS
The hustle and bustle continues as they prepare…

CARA
(curt)
No. I’m not.

LESLIE
Ah ha, that’s proof! Denial! Just like
it states in the female handbook!

CARA
Really? What else does my handbook say?

LESLIE
Well, I keep hoping to find something in there
about nipple clamps, foot rubs, and homemade
chocolate pudding.

She opens the fridge – inside: four tall ice cream dishes filled with chocolate pudding.

LESLIE
Wow.

CARA
Yeah. See? I’m good to you. And what’s in your handbook?

LESLIE
You know I don’t buy books at full price…

CARA
I’ll tell you. It says you’re supposed to help make this work!

LESLIE
I am helping – see, I’m holding salad forks.

She rolls her eyes.

LESLIE
Okay, look…Look at this house, look at what
I’ve done here – my god, we’ve got a dishwasher
with three speeds. Why three? There’s not going
to be a Pyrex emergency!  I got you that ionizer –
I don’t know what an ionizer is! Our car has that
satellite thing that talks to us, which I still can’t
use… But you wanted it, so it’s there because I
want…this…to work.

CARA
It’s not about money. It’s not about you, what
you get me, or your writing!

LESLIE
So, what, its about Sensei Kirschbaum?

She grabs something from a cabinet, heads to dining room.

CARA
(incredulous)
What?

INT. DINING ROOM – THAT MOMENT

CARA
You’re jealous?

LESLIE
Not jealous.

CARA
Oh, that proves it!

Leslie sneers.

LESLIE
(hurt)
I’m going back into the office to make a few notes.

CARA
Les, can you stop writing for a few seconds?

He’s re-entering now. Begins handing things to Cara.

LESLIE
No, I can’t. See, the phone company and the credit
card people used to get very upset when I didn’t give
them money; they’d send us sheets of paper with lots
of words in bold. It was very intimidating. So now
I’m a writer! That’s how I pay our bills.

CARA
Which brings me to my point: you didn’t marry
your writing, you married me!

LESLIE
Well, that’s how I pay my dues.


WGA #1184666 Liars (a.k.a. Lawn Games)

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