The following script selection is from my feature spec LIARS: the story of a nebbishy screenwriter and a mercenary botanist who team up to save the world from a dangerous lawn care product!
Proper script formatting would not transfer from Final Draft or Acrobat. You can contact me via my Linked In.
In the following: LESLIE, the screenwriter of the famous “Buddy Cops” films, is writing a scene from his new Buddy Cops script, which involves a guy named Buddy and his partner Bones. As Leslie is writing a scene, he’s interrupted by his wife CARA:
INT./EXT. CAR – DAY
ANGLE ON Buddy – but it’s not Buddy’s voice we hear.
BUDDY (CARA V.O.)
Leslie, can you put on some pants, Jenny
and Tim will be here soon.
Bones reacts with a confused sneer.
END FANTASY SEQUENCE:
REVEAL: Leslie sitting at his computer wearing a shirt, boxers, and socks – no pants. He clicks a few things on the computer, trudges out into the kitchen…
INT. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS
The house is a nice one…
Our whole marriage, Cara, you’ve been telling
me to put on my pants…just once, it should be
okay they’re off.
Cara is compact and attractive…And in a cheerful mood running around, and performing karate moves along the way…
And just once it will be.
He half-smiles, only slightly amused…
Really, Cara, I–
She interrupts, handing him a thick stalk of celery.
He grabs it with one hand.
She corrects him, having him hold it out horizontally, hands grasping each end.
She does a fancy spin, lunges and karate-chops the celery – Leslie winces, but the celery’s cut almost perfectly.
She grabs the celery and exits. He follows her out.
INT. HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
Did you have to do that? I’m not accustomed to
fists flying in my face…well, not since getting
beaten up at school.
Thank god I got out of teaching.
Sensei Kirschbaum says we should work on
our form and develop our skill whenever possible.
Develop. Fine. What if you miss?
Maybe I did miss.
She smiles over her shoulder as she exits.
You’re angry about something.
She’s back in the kitchen; he follows.
INT. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS
The hustle and bustle continues as they prepare…
No. I’m not.
Ah ha, that’s proof! Denial! Just like
it states in the female handbook!
Really? What else does my handbook say?
Well, I keep hoping to find something in there
about nipple clamps, foot rubs, and homemade
She opens the fridge – inside: four tall ice cream dishes filled with chocolate pudding.
Yeah. See? I’m good to you. And what’s in your handbook?
You know I don’t buy books at full price…
I’ll tell you. It says you’re supposed to help make this work!
I am helping – see, I’m holding salad forks.
She rolls her eyes.
Okay, look…Look at this house, look at what
I’ve done here – my god, we’ve got a dishwasher
with three speeds. Why three? There’s not going
to be a Pyrex emergency! I got you that ionizer –
I don’t know what an ionizer is! Our car has that
satellite thing that talks to us, which I still can’t
use… But you wanted it, so it’s there because I
It’s not about money. It’s not about you, what
you get me, or your writing!
So, what, its about Sensei Kirschbaum?
She grabs something from a cabinet, heads to dining room.
INT. DINING ROOM – THAT MOMENT
Oh, that proves it!
I’m going back into the office to make a few notes.
Les, can you stop writing for a few seconds?
He’s re-entering now. Begins handing things to Cara.
No, I can’t. See, the phone company and the credit
card people used to get very upset when I didn’t give
them money; they’d send us sheets of paper with lots
of words in bold. It was very intimidating. So now
I’m a writer! That’s how I pay our bills.
Which brings me to my point: you didn’t marry
your writing, you married me!
Well, that’s how I pay my dues.
WGA #1184666 Liars (a.k.a. Lawn Games)