13
Apr
10

Comedy Sketch – “Shoe Repair” (accidentally in the style of Monty Python)

A MAN walks into a Shoe Repair Shop. He is missing a shoe. The Man approaches the SHOE GUY at the counter.

MAN: Hello.

SHOE GUY: Yes, may I help you?

MAN: I dropped off a shoe to be fixed more than three days ago, and when I called this morning, I was told it should be ready this afternoon.

SHOE GUY: Is this a shoe emergency?

MAN: A What?

SHOE GUY: A shoe emergency — is it life or death?

MAN (considers): Well, I am walking with an awful limp.

SHOE GUY: Oh come now, you know as well as I that that wouldn’t constitute an emergency.

MAN: No, I guess it wouldn’t…But wait a second, I’ve been waiting three days for my shoe. I can’t walk around this way forever!

SHOE GUY: No, I’d assume not.  Would you be interested in getting another shoe for that foot?

MAN: Well yes!  I’d like the shoe I brought in!

SHOE GUY: Ah.  Could I possibly see the shoe you currently have on your foot?

MAN: Um, uh, sure, sure, I guess so, if it’ll help.

SHOE GUY: Oh, it will.

Man gives Shoe Guy his shoe; Shoe Guy starts off.

MAN: (calling out) If it helps, you were fixing a problem, with the–

Shoe Guy returns empty-handed.

Shoe Guy: Hello! May I help you?

MAN: What?

SHOE GUY: What can I do for you today, sir?

MAN (incredulous): Y-you have my shoes!

SHOE GUY: So you’d like to purchase a pair of shoes then?

MAN (appalled): I would not, I want the pair of shoes you have in the back room — my pair of shoes!

SHOE GUY: Sir, please mind the other customers…

Man looks around the empty shop.

SHOE GUY (cont’d): There is no reason to raise your voice.

MAN: I will certainly raise my voice…I want my shoes back!

SHOE GUY: Now, sir, the other customers aren’t yelling and screaming to get their shoes, so–

MAN: There are no other customers! Stop saying there are other customers!!

SHOE GUY: Well! There is no need for you to get insulting! I’m just a small-business owner, trying to pay his rent — I’m SO sorry that I’m not wearing a fancy suit and have an expensive haircut and wear designer cologne…I can’t possibly measure up to the wonder that is you!

MAN: The wonder that is me…?

SHOE GUY: Oh, sure, rub it in!

MAN: Will you stop it!

SHOE GUY: Please, if you can lower your voice for a moment and  calmly tell me what it is you’re looking for.

Long beat.
Man: My ticket! Ah-ha!! My ticket!
(digs into pockets)
I’ve got it here somewhere!…There we go!!
(Holds out ticket)
Yes, could you bring me the shoes which go with this ticket, please?

Shoe Guy pauses.

SHOE GUY: …May I see it?

MAN (simply): Oh sure.

Shoe Guy walks off…returns with one shoe, the OTHER shoe.

SHOE GUY: There you go, sir!

Man reacts, delighted, then examines shoe.

MAN: You didn’t even fix it! The leather’s still peeling!

SHOE GUY: Well, sir, if you want it fixed it’ll have to stay another day or so.

MAN: I JUST WANT MY SHOES!

SHOE GUY: Please, the other customers…

MAN: THERE ARE NO OTHER CUSTOMERS!! I want the matching shoe!

SHOE GUY: I’ll take a look around in the back, maybe we’ve got something laying around.

MAN (sarcastic): Thank you.

Man looks around, annoyed, Shoe Guy casually takes his shoe as he walks to the back…he soon returns.

Shoe Guy: Hello! May I help you?

MAN (angrier now): I…am looking for the pair of shoes…I once wore upon my feet, which are now bare!

SHOE GUY: Please, Sir! My wife is pregnant!

MAN: What?

SHOE GUY: My wife, sir, she is in a delicate condition.

Man looks around for wife.

MAN: But I don’t see–

SHOE GUY: I’d think you’d behave better what with my wife bearing child!…

MAN: But–

Shoe Guy (cont’d): Now, good day sir!

MAN: But–

SHOE GUY (cont’d): You should be embarrassed of yourself, acting in such a way, with my wife pregnant and all!

MAN: Yes. Yes, you’re right.

SHOE GUY: Please…see yourself out!

MAN: Alright…I guess now would be a good time to get this glove repaired…

Man pulls out a damaged glove; walks out shoeless, embarrassed, and baffled…Shoe Guy goes back to shining some random shoe…A Woman walks in, limping…

SHOE GUY: Hello, Madam! And what can I help you with today?

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