A MAN walks into a Shoe Repair Shop. He is missing a shoe. The Man approaches the SHOE GUY at the counter.
SHOE GUY: Yes, may I help you?
MAN: I dropped off a shoe to be fixed more than three days ago, and when I called this morning, I was told it should be ready this afternoon.
SHOE GUY: Is this a shoe emergency?
MAN: A What?
SHOE GUY: A shoe emergency — is it life or death?
MAN (considers): Well, I am walking with an awful limp.
SHOE GUY: Oh come now, you know as well as I that that wouldn’t constitute an emergency.
MAN: No, I guess it wouldn’t…But wait a second, I’ve been waiting three days for my shoe. I can’t walk around this way forever!
SHOE GUY: No, I’d assume not. Would you be interested in getting another shoe for that foot?
MAN: Well yes! I’d like the shoe I brought in!
SHOE GUY: Ah. Could I possibly see the shoe you currently have on your foot?
MAN: Um, uh, sure, sure, I guess so, if it’ll help.
SHOE GUY: Oh, it will.
Man gives Shoe Guy his shoe; Shoe Guy starts off.
MAN: (calling out) If it helps, you were fixing a problem, with the–
Shoe Guy returns empty-handed.
Shoe Guy: Hello! May I help you?
SHOE GUY: What can I do for you today, sir?
MAN (incredulous): Y-you have my shoes!
SHOE GUY: So you’d like to purchase a pair of shoes then?
MAN (appalled): I would not, I want the pair of shoes you have in the back room — my pair of shoes!
SHOE GUY: Sir, please mind the other customers…
Man looks around the empty shop.
SHOE GUY (cont’d): There is no reason to raise your voice.
MAN: I will certainly raise my voice…I want my shoes back!
SHOE GUY: Now, sir, the other customers aren’t yelling and screaming to get their shoes, so–
MAN: There are no other customers! Stop saying there are other customers!!
SHOE GUY: Well! There is no need for you to get insulting! I’m just a small-business owner, trying to pay his rent — I’m SO sorry that I’m not wearing a fancy suit and have an expensive haircut and wear designer cologne…I can’t possibly measure up to the wonder that is you!
MAN: The wonder that is me…?
SHOE GUY: Oh, sure, rub it in!
MAN: Will you stop it!
SHOE GUY: Please, if you can lower your voice for a moment and calmly tell me what it is you’re looking for.
Man: My ticket! Ah-ha!! My ticket!
(digs into pockets)
I’ve got it here somewhere!…There we go!!(Holds out ticket)
Yes, could you bring me the shoes which go with this ticket, please?
Shoe Guy pauses.
SHOE GUY: …May I see it?
MAN (simply): Oh sure.
Shoe Guy walks off…returns with one shoe, the OTHER shoe.
SHOE GUY: There you go, sir!
Man reacts, delighted, then examines shoe.
MAN: You didn’t even fix it! The leather’s still peeling!
SHOE GUY: Well, sir, if you want it fixed it’ll have to stay another day or so.
MAN: I JUST WANT MY SHOES!
SHOE GUY: Please, the other customers…
MAN: THERE ARE NO OTHER CUSTOMERS!! I want the matching shoe!
SHOE GUY: I’ll take a look around in the back, maybe we’ve got something laying around.
MAN (sarcastic): Thank you.
Man looks around, annoyed, Shoe Guy casually takes his shoe as he walks to the back…he soon returns.
Shoe Guy: Hello! May I help you?
MAN (angrier now): I…am looking for the pair of shoes…I once wore upon my feet, which are now bare!
SHOE GUY: Please, Sir! My wife is pregnant!
SHOE GUY: My wife, sir, she is in a delicate condition.
Man looks around for wife.
MAN: But I don’t see–
SHOE GUY: I’d think you’d behave better what with my wife bearing child!…
Shoe Guy (cont’d): Now, good day sir!
SHOE GUY (cont’d): You should be embarrassed of yourself, acting in such a way, with my wife pregnant and all!
MAN: Yes. Yes, you’re right.
SHOE GUY: Please…see yourself out!
MAN: Alright…I guess now would be a good time to get this glove repaired…
Man pulls out a damaged glove; walks out shoeless, embarrassed, and baffled…Shoe Guy goes back to shining some random shoe…A Woman walks in, limping…
SHOE GUY: Hello, Madam! And what can I help you with today?