30
May
17

Full Frontal with Sam Bee comedy packet

A sample comedy piece written for Sam Bee’s show…
[formatting of red & normal text is standard]

========

SEGMENT: The War On Campus Carry

[IMAGES: Collage of the selfies of, and headlines about, the Pulse nightclub shooter]

[SAM:] Last June, just one day after the mass shooting in a Florida club by a shamed homosexual forced to masquerade as something less provocative, like an Isil terrorist, Tennessee Representative Andy Holt felt there was only one thing to do…

[beat]

Raffle off AR‐15s as part of a campaign fundraiser! Yay! Don’t worry, it wasn’t in poor taste, because, in truth, he wasn’t doing it for himself — he was doing it for the kids. It was just a few short weeks prior that the Tennessee legislature passed their Campus Carry law with this convincing argument:

[TAKE: VIDEO: https://legiscan.com/TN/bill/SB2376/2015 (Clips from 7:33:04 – 7:33:49) in which a representative states teachers are “relatively adamantly opposed [to campus carry approval laws]”]

[SAM:] “Relatively adamantly opposed.” Yes, the teachers have stated, adamantly, “We’re relatively sure we don’t want Billy Bob Beer Pong shooting us in the knee‐cap, because his grade-point average slipped. But, aw, what the heck, let’s pass that bull— er, bill anyway!” And so the legislators did.

[SAM:] As a matter of fact a whole bunch of states allow Campus Carry!
[FX IMAGE: Map
indicates all Campus Carry states]
Among them, Oregon, Kansas, Mississippi, and Utah —
which admittedly passed the law only because they’re trying desperately to curb the out‐of‐control Romney population.

[TAKE: VIDEO with FX: seven‐second clip from: Looney Tunes short “Duck! Rabbit!
Duck!”: Bugs and Daffy remove signs showing “Duck Season,” “Rabbit Season,” but a
Mitt Romney photo replaces Elmer Fudd for “Romney Season” OR: MOCK‐UP IMAGE: Bugs and Daffy in front of “Romney Season” sign]

[SAM:] The argument against Campus Carry usually has something to do with how teens need to protect themselves in active shooter scenes. Because teens are mostly known for making good decisions…Like rooftop diving
[YOUTUBE VIDEO: College teen jumping off roof, missing pool], going home from the all‐night Pi Epsilon rager with that “really sweet
guy” — you know, the one with those cute furry cuffs on his nightstand and the roofies in his back pocket
[MOCK‐UP IMAGE: Bill Cosby in sunglasses, a Fraternity sweater; furry
cuffs dangling from a finger], or actually buying tickets to a Kanye West concert — on purpose? Are you sure?!

[BEAT]

[SAM:] To keep our kids safe, several states even tried to ban Campus Carry – but those legislative proposals did…not…pass. Now, I’m not saying every teenager shouldn’t carry a gun.

[IMAGE from this article: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article‐3206787/The‐father‐daughter‐duoshot‐record‐194‐Red‐Foxes‐year.html]

[SAM:] This young woman defends her family’s livestock. And is going to be the only girl at prom with a homemade fox Stoll!

[IMAGE: ]

[SAM:] And this beautiful young woman clearly needs hers for balance. [BEAT] But the question came up recently in Texas! Yes, the home of Open Carry, and the place
where several suspects were sought or arrested in connection with the abhorrent
shooting of Dallas police officers, because cops just couldn’t tell which person with a gun was the wrong person with a gun! (It’s scary, ’cause it’s true!)

[IMAGE: Headline and Image from:https://www.bostonglobe.com/news/nation/2016/07/08/dallas-police-identify-wrong-man-shooting-suspect/xtvssiYjxGl7bJfYysb7XO/story.html]

[SAM:] But if there’s one solution for miscarriages of justice, constant mass shooter situations, and the needless deaths of our citizenry and the officers who protect them, it’s sensible legislation and thoughtful ideas to better limit the gun rights of those with a criminal past or with ties to terrorism.
[BEAT. LAUGHS.]
I’m just kidding, you guys! The answer is more guns!
Boy, life was so much easier when streaking was the biggest worry on campus

[MOCKUP IMAGE: B&W image of Sam in the buff, running across a campus ‐‐ then reveal: Keystone Cops circa 1915 running behind her in classic image (he adds, certain he’s just lost any chance at getting this gig)]

[SIGHS FORLORNLY.]

More and more states are trying to pass Campus Carry laws. While many are rejecting them, some are making it through. [FX IMAGE: Map from earlier showing Campus Carry states, now indicates states which did not pass Campus Carry laws]
Wow, talk about courting the youth vote: Lower the voting age? No way. Legalize
marijuana? Whaaat?! Nuh‐uh… Guns on campus? Fuck yeah!

I can’t imagine a better place for concealed weapons than a college campus. I mean,
heck, that’s been working out great so far!

[MOCK‐UP IMAGE: Collage of campus shooters]

And I’m not the only who thinks so, so does this group. Meet “Students for Concealed Carry.”

[IMAGE: Home page for above‐named group: http://concealedcampus.org/]

A little under 45,000 strong, these kids advocate and demonstrate for the right to carry concealed weapons at school. Why, they even stage “empty holster protests” by going to school wearing holsters that don’t have guns in them just to showcase how important it is to almost carry a gun.

[IMAGE: The white students from this page: http://concealedcampus.org/emptyholster‐
protest/ ] Well, you know, if you’re white. We definitely don’t recommend this
protest to our friends of other myriad shades.

With shooter scenarios and college rape a continuing concern, no one’s blind to the idea of why Campus Carry is gaining popularity, and while Tad and Chad and Brad all might deserve to have at least one ball blown off, if only for their names, bringing guns to a cock fight sounds like a really dangerous way to make fried chicken.
[IMAGE: Three college guys with popped‐collar shirts]

I like me some hot pepper m’self.

[MOCK‐UP IMAGE: Same three guys getting hit with pepper spray]

Yeah.

[BACK TO IMAGE: Home page for above‐named group: http://concealedcampus.org/]

[SAM:] So these cute up‐and‐coming Trump‐ettes and Travis Bickles go through great lengths on their website to show statistics that prove that Concealed Carry on campuses does not increase violence, suicide, or accidental shootings. Bu‐u‐t they don’t seem to have a solution for theft — according to the site: “The vulnerability of dorms to theft does not necessitate a campus‐wide ban on Concealed Carry … There are … other options, from community gun lockups to small, private gun safes that can be secured to walls, floors, bed frames, etc.”

Oh sure, the bed frames seem like a good place. Just don’t walk in on your roommate doing it on your bed during parents’ weekend…mom will never forgive you for interrupting her and your pal Steve‐o.

But, hey, how about that community gun lockup? Absolutely brilliant! I haven’t seen an idea that good since Police Academy 4 [IMAGE: “Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol” movie one‐sheet].

[YELLING]
You’re missing the point, numbnuts! Responsible gun ownership is not the problem.
Your frontal lobes aren’t even fully formed, I do not want you trying to defend the other kids with your gun, because you think you’re Liam Neeson or, I dunno, like, that guy in those Mechanic movies. Or whoever…
[JOE WALKS OUT, CROSSES TO SAM. WHISPERS IN HER EAR. TURNS AND WALKS OFF.]
Really, Joe? OK. Uh, or because you think you’re the next Scarlett Johansson in Lucy or Ghost in the Whatever‐he‐said. I guess. And we definitely don’t want you keeping them in the dorms! You know how your roommate is always taking your last two Pop‐Tarts? Or remember that day you couldn’t recall where you hid your rabbit vibrator because the boys down the hall discovered a new use for it? Let’s not have that happen with a glock, OK?
[MOCK‐UP: IMAGE: Frat boys laughing while one of them, bent over, is holding the
barrel of a gun in his ass cheeks.]
And, Mom, Dad, when you’re getting ready to send off Junior and Sissy to college, don’t forget to factor in whether or not you want to send them to a school with Campus Carry. Because even if the college essays asked your kids if stronger gun legislation for the adults might be a better idea — and they think it is, by the way, in huge numbers — it all doesn’t matter:
[TAKE: VIDEO from earlier of rep stating teachers are “…relatively adamantly opposed…”)]
Yup, much better to keep throwing our kids into the line of fire, Representative Holt.

We’ll be right back.

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