A Muppets TV Show for the modern era – a spec script

FOZZIE, GONZO, MISS PIGGY AND ME
Series Concept and Teleplay
by
K e i t h

All characters © The Jim Henson Company
Concept and adaptation © 2004
This is an unsanctioned project.
Please pardon the formatting.

EST. SHOT – NYC STREET – DAY

ANGLE ON nightclub: KERMIT’S PAD

INT. KERMIT’S PAD – DAY

A spotlight shines on a stage where an empty stool & a mic stand are being set up by Beauregard or Sweetums. ROBIN climbs atop the stool and clears his throat.

KERMIT (O.S.)
Everyone’s ready, Robin.

Robin nods and begins singing “It’s Not Easy Being Green.” When he reaches the point of listing colors (“red, yellow, or gold”) the pace picks up and 3 Britney Spears clones — as sexy background singers — join in.

ANGLE ON KERMIT watching from a chair in the audience. His feet are up, and he’s massaging a temple with his flipper.

KERMIT
(TO AUDIENCE)
Life was so much easier in ’77 BBC.
(PAUSE)
BBC — Before Britney and Christina.
Yeesh!

OPENING CREDITS.
FADE IN.

ACT ONE.

INT. KERMIT & PIGGY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

MISS PIGGY enters, slamming the door behind her. She’s dressed in a business suit — her hair is disheveled.

PIGGY
Why is it when a dog rides the subway,
nobody looks twice…but a pig gets on
and suddenly it’s Armageddon — minus
Bruce Willis in the muscle tee?!
(PAUSE)
Kermy? Kermy are you home?

Piggy walks into Kermit’s bedroom…

INT. KERMIT’S BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS

Kermit’s dancing around wearing HEADPHONES. Piggy pulls the plug from the RECEIVER, WE HEAR the old “Muppet Show” theme.

PIGGY
Oh, get over it!

KERMIT
Hi, Piggy. How was your–

PIGGY
They refuse to listen to reason! I
didn’t make it to Senior Assistant
Acting Manager of Management because
“I don’t know the biz”! When I tell
them that — ahem —
(POSES)
fuller-figured models are what
people want to see this year, you’d
think they would listen, but do they?

KERMIT
(TAKEN ABACK)
Do they?

PIGGY
No!

KERMIT
(IN AGREEMENT)
Of course they don’t.

PIGGY
Sure, take their side!

She storms out and heads into the kitchen.

KERMIT
(TO AUDIENCE)
What the hay?

INT. KITCHEN – A MOMENT LATER

Piggy is gathering food from the CABINETS, getting ready to (pardon) pig-out. When she opens the FRIDGE, Piggy screams — FOZZIE BEAR has stuffed himself in there quite solidly.

Kermit runs in…

KERMIT
Wha–
(INTERRUPTS SELF)
Fozzie! What are you doing in there?

FOZZIE
The backstroke? No, wait, that’s a fly
in soup. Okay I’ve got it! Feed me
the line again.

Kermit looks to Piggy.

PIGGY
(EATING)
Do it, I’m dying for a little kiwi punch here.

Piggy turns to see a KIWI in BOXING GLOVES behind her.

PIGGY
(TO KIWI)
Don’t even think about it.

The kiwi backs off.

KERMIT
(FEEDING “THE LINE” AGAIN)
Fozzie, what’re you doing in there?

FOZZIE
Making sure the tomatoes don’t get
fresh! Ahhaah!

KERMIT
Fozzie, get out of my refrigerator!

Fozzie gets out.

KERMIT
I thought you had a job interview
today.

FOZZIE
I did.

PIGGY
It didn’t go well?

FOZZIE
It didn’t?

PIGGY
I don’t know, I’m asking you.

FOZZIE
Don’t ask me, I wasn’t there.

Kermit sighs.

FOZZIE
Wha-a-at? What if they didn’t like
me? What if they rejected me and
turned me down? What if they thought
I couldn’t cut it?

PIGGY
What did the job call for?

FOZZIE
Dressing in a bear suit and telling
jokes at kids’ parties.

Piggy and Kermit exchange looks.

PIGGY
Yer on your own, frog.

KERMIT
(CHEERFUL)
Fozzie, you need a night on the town!

FOZZIE
Yeah! I need to kick up my heels, let
down my hair, strike out on my own!

KERMIT
Actually, I thought you’d join me at a
club to check out some new talent.

A beat.

FOZZIE
Even better!

INT. CLUB – NIGHT

With MUSIC and college KIDS all around, a HOST silently greets Kermit. A WAITRESS then shows Kermit and Fozzie to their table directly in front of the STAGE. LIGHTS around the stage are on, but dimmed.

KERMIT
I wonder if Gonzo made it.

They reach the TABLE where a Muppet woman sits — she’s large in every sense of the word. This is GRETA. We only see her from mid-torso down, she’s just too big.

KERMIT
Um, excuse me, miss…

GONZO, sitting on her lap, peeks around her at his pals.

GONZO
Hi, fellas!

KERMIT
Gonzo?

GONZO
Meet Greta! My…girlfriend!

Kermit & Fozzie nod happily and greet her with hellos.

GRETA
Nice to meet you too.
(PAUSE)
Gonzo, get me something to drink,
I’ll be right back.

GONZO
Yes, dear!

As she turns, we see that Gonzo has a broken arm.

FOZZIE
Gonzo, what happened to your arm?

Greta stands; Gonzo falls, screaming on the way down. He arises with a CAST on his leg and a CRUTCH under his arm.

GONZO
Ah! A small price to pay for love!

KERMIT
Gonzo…where did you meet, uh…

FOZZIE
Greta.

KERMIT
Greta.

GONZO
At the circus!

Kermit & Fozzie look to each other with understanding.

KERMIT & FOZZIE
Ohhh.

GONZO
Yeah, we were both buying a ticket to get in.

KERMIT & FOZZIE
(CONFUSED NOW)
Oh.

GONZO
She has a relative who works there.

KERMIT & FOZZIE look to each other with understanding.

KERMIT & FOZZIE
Ohhh.

GONZO
He’s not a performer or anything.

KERMIT & FOZZIE
(CONFUSED)
Oh.

GONZO
Although he was once in a side show!

They look to each other with understanding.

KERMIT & FOZZIE
Ohhh.

GONZO
(WITH EXCITEMENT)
He was the Truly Spectacular Perfectly Normal Average Man!!

Kermit & Fozzie both let out a sigh.

GONZO
But he was fired.

KERMIT
Oh, that’s a shame.

GONZO
Not really, it was a blessing. He just got a job dressing like a bear and telling bad
jokes to kids! It’s a dream come true!

FOZZIE
(MOANS; LOOKS AROUND)
Waitress!

GONZO
(TO KERMIT)
What’s wrong with him?

Waitress comes to Fozzie who orders in the background.

KERMIT
Don’t ask.

GONZO
So, where’s the side of bacon tonight?

FOZZIE
(DISAPPROVING)
Gonzo!

KERMIT
Piggy’s got some kind of big soiree–

GONZO
Ohhh, a luau!

KERMIT
What?

GONZO
Pig soirees are great!

KERMIT
“Big,” “big”! Not “pig”!

GONZO
Ohh. She doesn’t know what she’s
missing — should’ve gone to the luau!

KERMIT
(EXACERBATED)
There is no luau!

Waitress returns with a GLASS OF WARM MILK for Fozzie.

KERMIT
(TO WAITRESS)
Grasshopper, please.

GONZO
Two of the same here.

Greta returns.

GRETA
Gonzo, get back on my lap.

Gonzo’s climbing back on. The background music stops, people grow quiet. The stage lights come up.

GONZO
(WHISPERING)
You know the best part about this?

Kermit & Fozzie don’t want to know…they exchange glances.

KERMIT & FOZZIE
Show’s starting!

Greta’s blocking Kermit & Fozzie’s view (some schtick as they move around until they find a good position from which to view the stage). SHERYL CROW (or equally respected female singer of our time) walks out, GUITAR in hand.

FOZZIE
Kermit, is this who we’re here to see?

KERMIT
Yeah, Fozzie. Her manager wants me to
book her at the club — she’s got some
new stuff he thought I’d like.

GONZO
She’s beautiful!

Greta clears her throat to get Gonzo’s attention…

GONZO (CONT’D)
…in a very petite, unnaturally
small sort of way.

The waitress brings no drinks, she brings three actual GRASSHOPPERS. Gonzo and Greta push theirs away. The three insects huddle together frightened. GRASSHOPPERS’ POV on Kermit from the table.

GRASSHOPPER #1
No…body…move.

BACK TO SHOT.

SHERYL
Someone special in the audience
tonight hopped on over just to see
me. This is dedicated to him.

Sheryl sings Mahna Mahna as a slow-tempo love song. She does not take her eyes off Kermit throughout her singing.

FOZZIE
(WHISPERING TO KERMIT)
“Mahna Mahna”? Kermit, I think she-

KERMIT
I know, Fozzie — shh.

Sheryl continues, we focus on Kermit as his pals talk.

GONZO
Piggy’s gonna be real upset when she
hears about this.

FOZZIE
She’s probably at that luau right
now, wishing Kermit was there!

GONZO
(PINING FOR FRUIT)
Ahhh, pineapple…

GRETA
(PINCHES GONZO’S CHEEK)
Aww, my little melon.

Angle on Sheryl, whose song ends with a wink at Kermit. EXTREME CLOSE on Sheryl’s eyes, which sparkle…

INT. FANCY BALLROOM – NIGHT

EXTREME CLOSE on Miss Piggy’s sparkling eyes. As we pull out we see she’s at a party with men tripping over themselves to get to her.

PIGGY
Boys, take five — your majesty needs
a moment.

Piggy walks off and a female CO-WORKER approaches.

CO-WORKER
Miss Piggy, how do you always get the
men to follow you around?

The Muppet JANICE is nearby…she’s Piggy’s assistant.

MISS PIGGY
(TO CO-WORKER)
Oh, dear, you just have to know how to
talk to boys!

JANICE
I thought, like, you told them your
brother was the bartender?

MISS PIGGY
Can it!
(PAUSE)
Where’s the guy I need to kiss-up to?

JANICE
In the corner. He’s got, like, a new
line of clothes and needs models with
a “special look,” you know?

Janice waves her hair back and forth.

MISS PIGGY
Oooohh!

Suddenly Piggy’s holding model PHOTOS of herself.

JANICE
Actually, it’s menswear.

PIGGY
Hmph. Better get to work. Briefcase?

JANICE
(HANDS PIGGY BRIEFCASE)
Briefcase.

PIGGY
Eye shadow?

JANICE
(HANDS PIGGY EYE SHADOW)
Eye shadow.

PIGGY
Lipstick?

JANICE
(HOLDS UP 3 LIPSTICKS)
Techno Cinnamon, Appledelic, or Berry Popper?

PIGGY
Don’t they make plain red?

Janice hums an “uh-uh.”

PIGGY
Just give me the apple thingy.

Piggy applies the lipstick, boosts her boobs with her hands, and heads over to (possibly a star cameo [e.g., Martin Short]) Emilio E. Emil, creator of Eee! sportswear.

PIGGY
Oh, Emilio! Emilio E. Emil, your
favorite liaison to the top models
is here!

Emilio turns around with his arms held wide.

EMILIO
Piggy! Darling!

They half fake-kiss on the cheek.

EMILIO
How are you, sweetie!

PIGGY
Oh, you know, just waiting for that
day you come play for our team.
(FLIPS HER HAIR)

EMILIO
(ASIDE TO PIGGY)
Have you seen the girls on the catwalk
this year — you’ll have a long wait.

PIGGY
I know! Is it me or has Rebecca lost
another twenty pounds?

EMILIO
Both.
(PATS PIGGY’S BELLY)

With that, as Emilio turns for a moment, Piggy aims her fist; Emilio turns back only to see Piggy’s fake smile.

PIGGY
Emi-i-ilio…I understand you need
some hunks for your new line!

Whenever the name of the sportswear (“Eee!”) is said it is accompanied by a SHRILL SCREAM in the background.

EMILIO
I do! It’s called Eee! sportswear.

PIGGY
Eee!

JANICE
Eee?

EMILIO
Eee!

PIGGY
Well, just look at these!

She hands Emilio PHOTOS of male models. He reacts to each.

MILIO
(LOOKING AT PHOTOS)
Hm.
(SUCKS IN CHEEKS)
Too much cheek.
(PUSHES OUT LIPS)
Too much lip.
(RAISES AN EYEBROW)
Not enough face!
(HANDS BACK PHOTOS)
Miss Piggy, I need someone new,someone
different! Someone special who truly
symbolizes Eee! sportswear!

PIGGY
I’ve got just the frog– er, man.

Janice hands Piggy several HEADSHOTS of Kermit.

PIGGY
(WHISPERING)
No, no, no — something natural…
(TURNS BACK TO EMILIO)
Un mome-e-ent!
(SEARCHES PURSE)
I know I’ve got — ah!

Piggy has grabbed a photo from her purse. INSERT OF PHOTO: Kermit, Fozzie, & Gonzo — the pic favors Kermit, but Gonzo stands out as he’s doing something odd.

BACK TO SHOT

PIGGY
Emilio! Take a look at this!

EMILIO
(LOOKING AT PHOTO)
Piggy! Who is he!

PIGGY
He’s my boyfriend.

JANICE
(CORRECTING)
Platonic roommate!

PIGGY
(ASIDE TO JANICE)
Didn’t I say, “can it”?

EMILIO
Has he ever modeled?

PIGGY
Just for moi! Hahaha!

EMILIO
Oh, you are naughty, Miss Piggy! I
never knew you had such…eclectic
taste! Bring him out to the location
Friday night! It’ll be a grand shoot!

Piggy and Emilio shake hands — then give each other fake half-kisses on the cheeks again.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE.

FADE IN.

ACT TWO:

INT. CLUB – NIGHT

Backstage Sheryl Crow and Kermit talk; Fozzie is nearby. Gonzo, in back, is explaining something to Greta who keeps turning away from him (we only see her from the legs down).

SHERYL
So what did you think, Kermit?

KERMIT
I thought it was great!

SHERYL
(MOONING OVER KERMIT)
It was for you, you know.

KERMIT
(POSITIVE & INNOCENT)
And, boy, do I appreciate that. You were
really terrific, Sheryl!

SHERYL
It’s all for you, Kermit.

KERMIT
(NERVOUS NOW)
Uh, well…
(GULPS)
Good, good. Sure!

SHERYL
So is there a spot for me at your club?

KERMIT
Of course! Yes.

SHERYL
That’s great, Kermit.

She leans in and gives Kermit a kiss on top of his head.

SHERYL
So, what night?

In back, Gonzo and Greta have made up: she hugs him tight and drops him…when he arises, he’s wearing a NECK BRACE.

KERMIT
Good question. What night.
(TURNS TO FOZZIE)
Isn’t that a good question, Fozzie?

FOZZIE
Hm?

KERMIT
Yes. Well, Wednesday! Wednesdays are
great!

FOZZIE
Aren’t you off on Wednesdays?

KERMIT
Quiet, Fozzie.

SHERYL
(DISAPPOINTED)
Oh. Then choose another night!

KERMIT
Um…

SHERYL
How about I call you tomorrow? You
can think about it.

KERMIT
Um…

FOZZIE
Great idea! Here’s his number!

Fozzie hands Sheryl a SLIP OF PAPER from under his hat.

SHERYL
(SAID LIKE KERMIT’S TRADEMARK)
Oh good!
(SMILES)
I can’t wait!

Kermit nods as Sheryl HUGS him tightly then HUGS Fozzie (not as passionately) and runs off.

SHERYL
(EXITING)
Thank you, Kermy! I’ll call soon!

Gonzo approaches.

KERMIT
What did you do that for, Fozzie?

FOZZIE
She hugged me first.

KERMIT
No, you gave her my number. My home number!

FOZZIE
Ohhhhhh. That.

A beat.

KERMIT
Yes. That. Why did you give her my
number, Fozzie? Why?!

A beat. FOZZIE
(SIMPLY)
You’re unlisted.

Kermit sighs heavily.

GONZO
Ohhh! I get it! You don’t want
Sheryl to call because of your live-in
love, Miss Piggy!

KERMIT
She’s a platonic roommate!

FOZZIE
Then why not go out with Sheryl?

KERMIT
(NERVOUS REALIZATION)
Self preservation.

EXT. STREET – NIGHT – MINUTES LATER

FOZZIE
Taxi-i-i!

A TAXI stops. Fozzie leans in to passenger-side window — he hits his head against the closed window. The cabbie opens the window. Fozzie leans in again.

FOZZIE
We’re going to SoHo.

CABBIE
On foot?

FOZZIE
(PLAINLY)
No, by taxi!

CABBIE
Then you’d better get in.

FOZZIE
Good idea!

Fozzie & Kermit pause before entering the cab.

KERMIT
Gonzo, do you and Greta want to
share a cab?

GONZO
Nope, we’re spending the rest of our
romantic evening painting the town red!

Greta reveals two PAINT CANS from behind her back. A beat.

KERMIT & FOZZIE
Okay!

They get all the way in the taxi and close the door.

KERMIT
Bye, Gonzo — nice to meet you, Greta.

The cab starts to pull away.

KERMIT
(TO FOZZIE)
No jokes about the paint?

FOZZIE
What’s there to say — she had primer.

Kermit nods.

INT. KERMIT & PIGGY’S HOME – NIGHT

ANGLE ON closed door from inside apartment. From just outside in the hallway, O.S., WE HEAR Fozzie & Kermit…

FOZZIE (O.S.)
Hey, Kermit, why was the insomniac
tree stump sad?

KERMIT (O.S.)
Why?

FOZZIE (O.S.)
Because he couldn’t sleep like a
log! Ahhhahh! Get it?

KERMIT (O.S.)
Yeah, Fozzie.

Kermit opens the door and enters.

KERMIT (CONT’D)
Goodnight.

FOZZIE (O.S.)
Night, Kermit.

As Kermit closes the door, WE HEAR Fozzie’s door open and close. Kermit drags himself through the living room, sighing as he passes a large PAINTING of Miss Piggy.

INT. KERMIT’S ROOM – THAT MOMENT

Kermit flicks a SWITCH turning on a LAMP by his BED. He climbs in. Kermit then reaches for the lamp switch…

PIGGY (O.S.)
Goodnight, sleepyhead.

The camera reveals Piggy in bed with Kermit, who screams.

KERMIT
Piggy! Get out!

PIGGY
Aww, but I just wanted to know how
my Kermy’s day-ze way-ze was.

KERMIT
Difficult wifficult! Busy wizy!
Loudy! Woudy!

PIGGY
(EMPATHETIC)
Would you like–

KERMIT
No! I would like nothing! You go to
your room. I stay here. We get into
our beds, we go to sleep.

PIGGY
We can cut out the middleman and just
go to sleep!

KERMIT
Piggy!

PIGGY
(PERTURBED)
Alright!

She gets up, puts on her ROBE, and heads for the door. Kermit lays back in bed trying to relax.

PIGGY
Kermit?

KERMIT
Hm?

PIGGY
Um, I volunteered you for a
photoshoot. Friday night.

Kermit moans a sigh.

PIGGY
You can bring the guys…It’ll be
great press for the club.

KERMIT
(SIGHS AGAIN)
I’ll be there.

PIGGY
Goodnight, Kermit.

She turns off the light and exits. Kermit moans again.

KERMIT
I bet Gonzo’s having a great time!

CUT TO:

INT. LARGE APARTMENT – NIGHT

Gonzo’s painting the walls — red of course…what we see of Greta is lounging on a SOFA eating CUPCAKES and CHIPS.

GONZO
When I’m done, we’ll go to the rotating
restaurant and move over one table each
time the waitress walks away!

GRETA
Na.

GONZO
I know! We’ll pretend we’re music moguls
at a club and tell kids Madonna and Justin are
wearing corduroy in their new videos!
(aside)
Oh, the chaos!

GRETA
No.

GONZO
I’ve got it! We can go back to my place
and count the ceiling tiles!

GRETA
(ANGRY)
How dare you, Gonzo!

GONZO
(DISAPPOINTED)
I know, I know — I should have done it
months ago. But now that I finally got
all the feathers out of those darn pillows,
I have some free time!

GRETA
Gonzo…we need to talk.

CUT TO: INT. SPINNING RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Gonzo, alone at a small TABLE nurses a DRINK. A MAN nearby, whose face we cannot see, orders a drink from the WAITRESS.

Gonzo sighs. We now see that the man is CHARLIE SHEEN.

CHARLIE
(TO GONZO)
You okay?

GONZO
No. I’ve been dumped…

CHARLIE
Sorry to hear that, that’s rough.

GONZO
You’ve been dumped?

CHARLIE
(LAUGHS; STOPS)
No, but my ex-girlfriends tell me
it stinks.

GONZO
Well, they’re right.

CHARLIE
You can’t let it get you down! You
gotta get back on the horse!

GONZO
Nah, not my species.

CHARLIE
(THINKS THAT OVER)
What I mean is, you just have to
keep looking for that right woman.

GONZO
But how long will it take? How
many dates do I have to go on?!

CHARLIE
Two thousand four hundred eighty-six.
(PAUSE…SMILES WRYLY)
But that coulda just been me.

Gonzo sighs — the idea doesn’t appeal to him.

GONZO
It’s just nice to…

CHARLIE
(FINISHING)
Get some attention?

GONZO
Yeah.

CHARLIE
Yeah. Hey, wanna have some fun?

GONZO
Sure! I’ve got the grass skirt…
(HOLDS UP A GRASS SKIRT)
…you get the super glue!

CHARLIE
Actually, I meant we’d move over a
couple of seats before the waitress
gets back.

Gonzo’s eyes grow wide. They move two seats over. The waitress returns, confused. Charlie sips his drink.

CHARLIE
(TO WAITRESS)
Miss, could I get more syrup in this chocolate milk?

She nods happily, takes the drink, and walks off. Charlie waves Gonzo on and they both move down two more seats.

CHARLIE
Feeling better, fella?

GONZO
You bet.

CHARLIE
Sometimes it’s easy to forget that
life isn’t about who you date…
Well, it is for me, but most
people aren’t like me.

GONZO
Yeah…Thanks.

CHARLIE
Any time.
(PAUSE)
Hey, can I ask you a question?

GONZO
Of course.

CHARLIE
What are you, anyway?

As the again confused waitress approaches, we…

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO.

FADE IN.

ACT THREE.

INT. KERMIT & PIGGY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Kermit & Piggy eat some FRUIT & CEREAL while she reads the model MAG “Too Skinny” and he reads the trade PAPER “Club Hopping – the magazine for frog club owners.” On the back of Kermit’s paper is a large picture of Sheryl Crow.

The PHONE rings.

PIGGY
I wonder who that could be.
Don’t worry, dear, I’ll get it.

Kermit grunts, Piggy casually gets up to answer the phone. Kermit lays down his paper — back-side up. Sheryl’s face stares at Kermit. Kermit reacts.

KERMIT
I’ll get it! You stay put! I’ll
get it! I’ve got it.

He runs through Miss Piggy to get to the phone.

KERMIT
(CONT’D)
I’ve got it, you sit, sit, got it…
See?
(holds up phone)
Good!

Then he smiles big at Piggy. She returns to her seat at the table watching Kermit curiously.

KERMIT
(INTO PHONE, MEEKLY)
Hello?…Yes. Yes. Tonight? Um…

PIGGY
(TO KERMIT)
You’re helping me with modeling
tonight, Kermy.

KERMIT
Yes!! Tonight will be perfect! You’ll
go on at nine. I’ll tell the crew.
Yes. Great. You’re very welcome!

Kermit hangs up the phone.

PIGGY
Who was that?

KERMIT
Oh, just some new act.

Piggy gets back to eating, Kermit slumps against the wall.

KERMIT
(QUIETLY)
Whew.

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

Fozzie, Gonzo, & Kermit walk to the location of the shoot.

FOZZIE
Hey, guys, how did the photographer
know the milk was spoiled?

KERMIT
How?

FOZZIE
When he opened the carton, he saw a
film…developing!

Fozzie laughs. Kermit seemed to enjoy that one too. Gonzo’s pensive (yes, I just said that a Muppet is “pensive”).

GONZO
Greta broke up with me.

KERMIT
That’s a shame, Gonzo — what happened?

GONZO
She said I think too much with my
nose and not enough with my noggin.

FOZZIE
(PLAINLY)
That makes sense.

KERMIT
You do focus on your nose a lot.

GONZO
Show me one guy who doesn’t.

FOZZIE
He’s got a point…although…

Fozzie and Gonzo stop and glance to one another then to Kermit. They look to each other again and laugh. Kermit stops and looks at them.

KERMIT
A frog’s nose may not be as
pronounced as a bear’s or a…
whatever’s, but I can smell a fly
at 30 paces — and catch ‘im!

Kermit grunts and walks ahead. Gonzo and Fozzie look to one another again.

GONZO & FOZZIE
Blechh!

EXT. SITE OF PHOTO SHOOT – NIGHT

The location shoot for Eee! sportswear: LIGHTS, MODELS, a PHOTOGRAPHER, Emilio, and Miss Piggy are on the scene!

PIGGY
Kermy! Emilio, your model is here!

EMILIO
Ye-e-es! I see! I am so glad to
see you, you are beautiful, perfect!

Kermit stands ready to greet Emilio, but Emilio passes by him and heads to Gonzo whose hand he shakes.

EMILIO
And you are Mr. Kermit!

Piggy’s about to protest; Kermit covers Piggy’s mouth.

KERMIT
Yes! That’s Kermit, a.k.a. the
Great Gonzo!

Piggy bites Kermit’s hand — he screams a short scream. Emilio turns, Piggy offers a fake smile, Kermit recovers.

PIGGY
(ASIDE TO KERMIT)
I’ll get you for this, frog.

EMLIO
(TO GONZO)
“The Great Gonzo”? Why do they
call you that, Kermit?

FOZZIE
Because he answers to it.

GONZO
What he said.

EMILIO
Very well…let’s start, shall we?
(TO MISS PIGGY)
Terrific find here, Miss Piggy!

He walks off with Gonzo nearby.

KERMIT
(TO PIGGY)
See? It worked out great, Piggy!

PIGGY
Yeah. Well. I guess.

Fozzie approaches. In the background, they’ve got women surrounding Gonzo — he’s thrilled.

FOZZIE
Wow, that’s great, Kermit! You
don’t have to do the photoshoot,
that strange man got the model he
wanted, and now Sheryl Crow can sing
to you again tonight after all!

PIGGY
WHAT?!

Kermit and Fozzie look to Miss Piggy, scared.

PIGGY
“New act,” huh?!

KERMIT
(ASIDE TO FOZZIE)
Run.

FOZZIE
I’m too afraid to move!

PIGGY
Stand aside, bear, the toad is about
to become roadkill!

Kermit begins to run, Fozzie’s in a defensive position and Piggy — eyes wide and fists ready — is after Kermit. Models and others in the background have turned to look. We FREEZE-FRAME and…

FADE OUT.