Z!TV is my Daily Show-like take on celebrity news. It’s “The Last Thing You Need To Know!” Now, b/c it’s celeb-news focused doesn’t mean it’s “soft news” — here’s an unapologetic piece from 2015 about the #NFL‘s penchant for looking the other way at spousal abuse (ah yes, always a rich subject for comedy…).
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The NFL, known the world over for its altruistic support of artists who need to express themselves through sport, is surprisingly AOK with people getting hit. Well, y’ know, until putting some PR spin on the situation is called for.
Most recently, video surfaced — wherein NFL football running back Ray Rice is seen violently attacking his wife — thanks to investigative journalistic juggernaut and bastion of Fourth Estate integrity TMZ, which would never lower itself to paying for information but, rather, gets it the old-fashioned way (i.e., threats).
Welcome to another Z!TV entry — (satirical) entertainment reporting. It’s “The Last Thing You Need to Know!”
Last night’s Oscars, the 96th (out of 100 — we’re almost done, everybody!), proved one thing: White Male Privilege is finished. I mean, sure, African Americans and Indigenous People and Canine Americans ALL lost to white men and women (with exceptions), but we need to take heart in something important: Bradley Cooper LOST.
AUGUST 2020
I’m not going to beat around the bush here. On a lark, I wrote a scripted Friends Reunion that imagines the characters getting together to hang out sans kids and, perhaps more importantly, without the interference of network censors.
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What happened was this: I was watching David Schwimmer cussing up a storm on his new series Intelligence, and it made me giggle to see “Ross” saying some pretty coarse things. So, because I’m a writer, without it meaning to happen, a conversation between Chandler and Joey began forming in my head. I paused the show with Ross in it, and I started typing away at the laptop. The Chandler/Joey conversation quickly led to another and then an idea for an actual story.
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An hour later, I had 30 pages. Two days later, I had a 1-hour special.
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Download it in PDF right below (note: It’s NOT for kids):
The One Where It’s 15 Years Later & Rated_R
Or 1st check out this 12-page preview:
Masked-Man – a comedy satire
When an old-fashioned hero loses his sidekick in a superheroing accident, he decides he himself will become a sidekick and soon teams up with a modern, “woke” female superhero — one who will drag him kicking and ka-POWing into the 21st century.
Below, you can click and see the cold open. PDF avail upon request.
In this episode of The Big Bang Theory:
After theorizing Dr. Stephen Hawking’s alternate universe theory may be true, we take a trip to a place called Earth 2 & find slightly altered versions of the BBT gang.
That’s my premise. Keeping in mind that a spec should capture a show without changing anything about it (i.e., it should feel like any other episode, without making any major status quo changes), I approached it by using as a springboard concepts BBT has mildly explored, but never seriously.
This approach allows it to feel more like any other episode (altho’, I imagine, in a writers room, an episode like this would probably be taken further than I take it). However, for me, exploring an “alternate world” concept, I shouldn’t change too much. So while I tried to give the principle actors some fun new things to work with, I don’t stray too far from the series. There’s a reason the show’s been on as long as it has — the characters work just as they are.
The cold open sets it up, &, from there, the episode is then set within one of the funniest episodes of the past with the idea that the episode (b/c of the alternate Earth concept) would go off in a different direction. I think it does so in a really fun way. Enjoy!
Continue reading ‘BIG BANG THEORY: The Alternate Earth Addendum (spec script)’
WGA#: #1711563
THURSDAYS WITH ADOLF:
– Official Selection Hollywood Comedy Film Fest
– Top 10% Academy’s Nicholl Fellowship contest
– Official Selection/Semi-Finals ScreenplayFestival.com
– Official Selection/Contest Finalist, Brooklyn Film Fest
LOG LINE:
THURSDAYS WITH ADOLF: In the future, an outcast teen & his odd pal are befriended by a hateful old man who teaches them about life, art, women, & hate when they’re forced to work for him… & discover along the way that he’s, somehow, secretly Hitler.
COMPS: HAROLD & KUMAR meets THE WAY, WAY
BACK and PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER;
DONNIE DARKO meets Mel Brooks.
Two scenes below…..
Continue reading ‘SCREENPLAY – THURSDAYS WITH ADOLF…a dark satire of “coming-of-age” films…’
Several months prior to the premiere of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, and before the series even had a name, I reached out to John Oliver’s reps for a shot at a writing post on his then-upcoming/unnamed HBO series. They sent me a submission packet.
The packet requested: Two “headline news” segments (national & international news); also requested were two outlines for more-detailed segments (which could include roving reporters, video, and so on) covering same.
The e-mail I received said I was being given about 36 hours to conceive, write, edit, and submit all of the below. And it was December 30th. Sooo…yeah…no pressure at all!
In spite of what I think is some very strong — and sharp — satire, I didn’t make the cut. According to a rep I was able to reach out to, a contact at the show said I didn’t get the gig due to my lack of TV credits, but the work was passed up the ladder one by one “to the very top.”
Damn travesty, I say. But I’m biased. The following is what I sent (warning: naughty words abound!)…
HEADLINE SCRIPT – NATIONAL NEWS
JOHN
Hello! In an announcement that may have
surprised viewers and critics across our
Puritanical nation, Duck Dynasty chief
red neck and good, duck-murdering
Christian, Phil Robertson, announced
he disapproves of gays and that
homosexuality is a sin.
(beat)
It really was quite a shock – he
seemed so open-minded at the Ninth
Annual Beard-Pulling Finals.
GFX Image: A Truck Pull event, Duck Dynasty’s Robertson, his
beard looped around front bumper of a truck, they’re in a tug
of war.
Continue reading ‘John Oliver/Last Week Tonight Comedy Packet’
The following are the covers and a few select pages from Guys Are Disgusting & So Very Dense (Women Are Crazy And Make No Sense) — also known as Women Are Crazy And Make No Sense (Guys Are Disgusting & So Very Dense)….
Continue reading ‘Guys Are Disgusting & So Very Dense (Women Are Crazy And Make No Sense)’
Table of Contents
If you’ve landed on the blog’s home page, scroll down for writing samples (film, comics, & more) OR click “Continue reading ‘Table of Contents'” just below for the TOC. Scrolling on the blog landing page gives you brief previews. However, if you were linked directly to the TOC, you’ll just see a list of links…
Continue reading ‘Table of Contents’
ALIENS IN ARKHAM ASYLUM
The following was given the green light from then-editor Denny O’Neil. The idea? What if the Arkham Asylum lunatics from Batman had to fight the Aliens? Awesome, yes? But I needed help to pitch. At that time, some years back now, writing up treatments was NOT my strength (As the man once said, “I’m much better now.”). I asked a veteran writer w/whom I had become friendly — David Michelinie (the guy who created Venom and gave Tony Stark a drinking problem). Lucky us, DC was owed 1 Dark Horse/DC team-up.
David thought it was a great idea, save for one problem. He wrote to me: “Dark Horse has a rule: All Aliens stories must take place in outer space.” So I wrote back: “Easy fix. An unreliable narrator. Maybe it DID take place in space.” And thus we were off!
From there we wrote up a list of NEW Arkham characters — fodder for the Aliens to kill and maim. I think we cut their names from the final (below), but some included Doc Feces & Don Wand.
Ahem. Sooo, with you caught up and everything in place….
X-Men Scripting Test
Some years back, an editor at Marvel Comics was impressed with script samples I sent. As a result, he asked I take a “scripting test.”
I received a Plot—the writers of Marvel Comics often write in plot summaries—and Artwork, and it’s my job to add Dialogue. He informed me he liked what he saw…just before leaving Marvel forever (honestly, I can’t recall if he left or was laid off or what).
Below are pages from the comic, sporting its ACTUAL script, accompanied by MY SCRIPT TEST pages. I was told to pick any scene or scenes I wanted to write, up to 5 or maybe 10 pages (see the other X-post for clarification).
The 
main difference between comic books and picture books is that the latter merely describes what’s on a page (“See Jane Run!”; “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish”), while comic books give INSIGHT into the images. So, when we see Peter Parker swinging over the city (i.e., Jane running), the caption might say “As our wily web-swinger careens across our fair Metropolis…” but then there’s insight: “…he wonders about his battle with the unscrupulous Scorpion!” Which, you know, is not shown visually. It’s usually in a thought bubble.
M A N of S T E E L
At the end of 2009, the next Superman film was still in limbo. Legendary Pictures (then the producers of Superman/Man of Steel) had read, and enjoyed, a script of mine — one about superheroes — and, thus, asked me if I’d work up an idea for MAN OF STEEL.
As it turns out, the tone of my treatment — and even a lot of the elements — ended up being quite similar to 2012’s The Avengers (see list in the Afterthoughts section). So while MAN OF STEEL ended up dealing in “realism,” my idea was apparently the kind of thing auds were starving for — a world of the fantastic (in the old-fashioned sense).
The below “treatment” — Hollywood talk for a summary meant to give a sense of tone, approach, the character arcs and basic story — gives the Superman/Clark/Lois triangle a new twist. Metropolis has a modern feel with the characters fully grounded in today’s world. All with nods to 75+ years of Superman (and opening doors for potential spin-offs [keep an eye out for my nod to the original Captain Marvel].
Mind you, I would approach this very differently today — not in terms of the portrayal of the characters but in the story itself. Since we’ve now seen a lot of these elements, they’re a bit mundane by our current standards. (I kind of like the idea of an alt-world Superman [Ultraman in the comics] coming to our Earth unbeknownst to either the audience or the other characters and making Earth a living hell — but I wouldn’t reveal it until 15 mins into the 1st act that it’s Ultraman).
I chose two very unlikely villains (which would undoubtedly annoy fans). They work off each other surprisingly well and keep the focus on Superman nicely. It also helped give the story a breakneck pace with wit and action…plus allowed me to play up my subtle theme about growing up/taking responsibility, which several characters go through.
I had batted around black ops and lessons re: “Truth, Justice & the American Way” Meh. It’d been done to death in film and comics. Luthor was old hat, Zod & Brainiac Krypton-related and thus inappropriate for a 1st movie about Superman’s self-discovery.
For me, Superman’s first movie should deal — not with his Kryptonian heritage but — with Superman as Earth’s defender, with Clark as a person.
Also, at the time, there was no official word on if this was a soft or hard reboot. So I avoided an origin story completely.
Superman’s origin is covered, but the details are saved for a sequel (detailed at end w/The Avengers info), thus, we enter this world with the Daily Planet, Lois, Clark, and Superman in their traditional roles. So, without further ado… Continue reading ‘The Superman Film Treatment (solicited by Legendary Pictures)’
X-Men test – part 2
More of the ol’ X-Men script sample as sent to me by a long-gone X-ed.
Now’s a good time to mention, I know nothing about these two new characters Dr. Reyes and Marrow. Neither was terribly likable, but I did my best. As far as the former of the two, I had NO clue what the Doc could do. The plot had no details (nor did the Internet at the time) save for something about a forcefield (mentioned in the previous X-post) but that was it. On the second page below, the final script indicates some other power—some kind of empathic ability it seems. But it’s unclear, and I just avoided any reference to her powers in my script sample as a result.
Continue reading ‘X-Men test – part 2’The following are true stories of experiences on NYC subways, buses, etc. They are from my currently unpublished book 72 People I’ve Met On The Subway.
If you don’t laugh, I will refund your money & then come to your house and tickle you to make up for it.
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5. !#@* #a$ #!%@$
I got on the train at what was the first (and last) stop on this line. There were about seven or eight people in the car.
The seat I chose was next to another 30-something. He was wearing a Mets baseball cap and slowly downing a diet soda.
And he made this noise as he looked at me: “Ep!”
I thought perhaps he was being, in some way I could not comprehend, funny.
Continue reading ’72 People I’ve Met on the Subway — stories 5 & 13′
The set up: a guy named Mackenzie (Mac) is a saloon owner with a terrible secret in a town being attacked by what can only be werewolves. The townsfolk are still putting the clues together…and, in so doing, have had enough — they’ve decided, collectively, to hightail it outta there.
In this scene, Mac’s gal Lacie — also the saloon madam — is seeing the exodus and awakens Mac, who runs out to confront a guy known only as Parson — a Clint Eastwood type who might very well have a secret of his own….
Continue reading ‘Howl the West Was Won – genre-meld feature script (selection)’
FOZZIE, GONZO, MISS PIGGY AND ME
Series Concept and Teleplay
by
K e i t h
All characters © The Jim Henson Company
Concept and adaptation © 2004
This is an unsanctioned project.
Please pardon the formatting.
EST. SHOT – NYC STREET – DAY
ANGLE ON nightclub: KERMIT’S PAD
INT. KERMIT’S PAD – DAY
A spotlight shines on a stage where an empty stool & a mic stand are being set up by Beauregard or Sweetums. ROBIN climbs atop the stool and clears his throat.
KERMIT (O.S.)
Everyone’s ready, Robin.
Robin nods and begins singing “It’s Not Easy Being Green.” When he reaches the point of listing colors (“red, yellow, or gold”) the pace picks up and 3 Britney Spears clones — as sexy background singers — join in.
ANGLE ON KERMIT watching from a chair in the audience. His feet are up, and he’s massaging a temple with his flipper.
KERMIT
(TO AUDIENCE)
Life was so much easier in ’77 BBC.
(PAUSE)
BBC — Before Britney and Christina.
Yeesh!
Continue reading ‘A Muppets TV Show for the modern era – a spec script’
A MAN walks into a Shoe Repair Shop. He is missing a shoe. The Man approaches the SHOE GUY at the counter.
MAN: Hello.
SHOE GUY: Yes, may I help you?
MAN: I dropped off a shoe to be fixed more than three days ago, and when I called this morning, I was told it should be ready this afternoon.
SHOE GUY: Is this a shoe emergency?
MAN: A What?
SHOE GUY: A shoe emergency — is it life or death?
MAN (considers): Well, I am walking with an awful limp.
Continue reading ‘Comedy Sketch – “Shoe Repair” (accidentally in the style of Monty Python)’
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